Dear Dad, Two Years Without You

Dear Dad, 

Today, 9/13/13, marks two years of living without you.  Honestly, my head can't allow my heart to fully comprehend the depth of that statement.  I believe my head is in constant protection mode of my heart.  If my heart ever felt the full effect of not having you in my world, I guarantee it would explode.    

I think of you every single day.  I miss your guidance, your love, your voice, your hug....bottom line is I miss you.  

While tears still come more easily, I can see more and more smiles starting to emerge when I think of you.  I know you would rather it be that way but I also hope you can cut me a break.  Losing you changed me and it's not been an easy journey.  

I do appreciate the little signs you sprinkle into my life to remind me I'm not alone.  I may not pick up on them the second I see them, but trust me I know they came from you and always...always at the right time.  Your timing is impeccable because you know just when I'm on the verge of cracking or when my heart is racing.  

So Dad, today, I am going to try to celebrate you!  I don't want to think about the details of this awful day two years ago but rather I want to remember....your lifetime of love, your silly laugh, your chubby, rugged hands, your freckles, your bald spot, your voice, your messages, your need for speed, your love of your grandpuppies, the lessons you taught me, the values you instilled in me, our bond, and the last words you spoke to me...."I love you too!"

Forever and ever to the moon and back my love for you will never stop!!

Love always, Sam     

Love Bond

"F" is for Floyd and Fabulous, Forever Friends

My beautiful trio of friends gave me these amazing charms today.  The initial "F", which stands for my Dad's name, Floyd, and a gorgeous, red heart. 

Pam, Elizabeth and Lisa are my constant lunch buddies, shoulders to cry on, ears to talk off and a source of endless love and support to me. 

Honestly, I'd have been a lost soul without the love and support I received from these hip chicks throughout this past year after losing my Dad.  They've let me be me no matter what that meant....quiet, crying, laughing, sad, happy.....it didn't matter.  They let me be Sam. 

I <3 you guys to the moon and back!! 

My tears followed you

 

They say there are no tears in Heaven, but that must be wrong today.  Because you took part of my broken heart, when you went away.  I know my tears must have followed you, how else can it be?  My spirit feels broken because you are no longer here with me.  I cried to the Heavens, my tears fell like rain.  So, I know my tears must be in Heaven.  Things will never be the same.  They say someday I will accept your passing.  But right now, that can't be true, because part of me is in Heaven...see my tears....they followed you. 

The 12th "13th" - a year without Dad

On the eve of the year anniversary, I am here sitting outside on the patio.  It's a beautiful night much like that same one a year ago.  I remember everything like the back of my hand.  I was busy outside cleaning my car in preparation for an upcoming road trip to Connecticut when I heard my phone ringing.  I chose to ignore it because I had a to do list and I was sticking to it.  It wasn't until 45 minutes later that I would hear the message that started it all, "Sam, we're taking your Dad to the hospital.  I need you to come over!"

Never in my worst nightmare would it ever occur to me that in less than 24hrs from the time of that message, my dad would be gone forever. 



A "wise" person told me, "Take it ONE day at a time!"

On 9/13/11 at 11am, I walked into the hospital room to say goodbye to my Dad. 

Life since then has been a blur.  365 days of learning how to be, to exist and breath in a new reality....a reality without my Dad.  It's a delicate dance that is still a challenge for me today.  My heart is still broken, the smell of his cologne still brings tears to my eyes, the sound of his voice in a saved message can stop me in my tracks and still take my breath away.  I'm not to "happy" yet....

So it goes..."the first year is the hardest."  I've marked a year's worth of milestones along side my family without my Dad.  It's been a year of great things that he would've loved...oh, how he would've loved them.  His first grandchild's high school graduation, his 70th birthday, said grandchild's moving in day at college, his carving of the turkey at Thanksgiving. 

Life goes on day by day.  It's different now.  I know I will eventually learn to be genuinely happy again and thinking of Dad will evoke a smile rather than a tear.  I'm not there yet but I'll get there. 

What do I miss the most? I miss his voice, his laugh, his hugs...plain and simple - I miss him.

I love you Dad!  I'm so glad I got to be your daughter because now I know what it means to be truly loved....



Dear Dad....A Birthday, A Dark Cloud, a 10th and 11th "13th"

"Each night I put my head to my pillow, I try to tell myself I'm strong because I've gone one more day without you."

Dear Dad -

It's been 11 months and 11 days.  I'm still struggling. While I try my best to make it through each day, the reality is the pieces of my broken heart can't seem to find their way back together.

A day, a song, a memory, a smell, a word...any one of these things can stop me on a dime and in an instant I'm reminded you aren't here. 

I dreaded my favorite month of the year, July.  We share this month as our birthdays are 4 days apart.  Typically, we would've celebrated together probably with a cookout, a swim, a delicious piece of grandma's famous chocolate cake and homemade vanilla ice cream. July 22 would've been your 70th birthday.  My birthday came and went without your yearly call to sing Happy Birthday to me. 

As July passed so did the 10th "13th."

As August arrived so did the 11th "13th."  How?  How have 11 months passed by since I last spoke to you, hugged you and told you I loved you?  It's true that your body goes into a survival mode after experiencing such a great loss.  Our body, mind and spirit aren't made to withstand the full effect of our grief and pain.  It would simply crumble under the pressure.  Or at least I'm telling myself this as I'm preparing for what is coming next, the 12th "13th."  I can barely type it let alone allow myself to fully comprehend the extent of it. 

I miss you.  I miss you every single day.  I miss calling you to talk about nothing and everything.  I miss your voice.  I miss your laugh.  I miss your hug.  I miss your stories (even though I had heard all of them no less than 10 times each).  I miss you asking me how my "kids" are because you know my dogs are my kids.  I miss you telling me you love me.  I miss your shirt coats.  I  miss talking about politics with you.  I miss you making everything better.  I miss asking you for advice.  I  miss you making fun of me having no sense of direction.  I miss you telling me to calm down.  I miss you telling me to drive only as fast as my wallet will allow.  I miss you telling me everything will be alright.  I miss you. 

http://youtu.be/yEhRg4OtNRs

The Storm...

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure, whether the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain - when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in because that's what this storm is all about."