"There can never be any going back to what was. The broken pieces of your grief have become you. They speak of your strength, of your courage and they speak of you...the vulnerable you, the broken you, the loving you and the wonderful you"
Do you ever contemplate what would break you? How much could you take before your spirit was broken? I think the death of my Dad has broken me.
People equate getting up in the morning, showing up to work and faking conversation as being strong, but I think it's more of a masquerade to please everyone and fool yourself. If only they knew behind the mask the whole in my heart is just as big as the day he passed away, the sadness is all consuming even paralyzing at times and every day I discover another shattered piece of my old life that doesn't make sense anymore. I am not strong. I am not courageous. I am broken. I am changed. I have scars. I miss my Dad.
Samantha I just found your blog and read your entries. I am so sorry for your loss... and I know it must hurt a lot because your dad seemed like an extraordinary man... He loved his girl!
ReplyDeleteI am glad you have that knowledge. Losing him without warning must have been such a shock.. and your must grieve as long and as hard as you want to ... as long as you need to. I am having to say a long good bye to my husband now as he has cancer in its last stages. It is excruciating as I have to say goodbye to him piece by piece. Just wanted to let you know I do know how you feel... the pain is very great... Hang in there...and hold fast the wonderful memories.
Hello Kathi -
DeleteThank you so much for your kind words. They really meant a lot.
I am so sorry for your loss as I just found your blog. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I've found it's literally a minute to minute basis to get through your grief that will eventually progress to hour to hour then day to day.
Cherish the memories because your husband is alive in you and surrounds you with his love every day. :)
Samantha, you said something to me in a comment recently that was beautiful and profound, and I don't think I'll ever forget it. A couple nights after Edd's passing, I wrote it on a notecard and left it on my mom's pillow, and she read it at the funeral. "Someday you'll walk around the hole in your heart instead of falling in it."
ReplyDeleteThank you for that...
Hello Jenni -
DeleteI'm so glad you liked the saying. It really has offered me some comfort. When my Dad passed away, a piece of me went with him and I realize the loss of him will be w/ me forever, but like the saying goes, at some point, I'll learn to tiptoe around the pain.
Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. Take your time, snuggle with your dogs and take it day by day. :) My dogs have had soggy ears due to the many tears dropping off of my cheeks onto them while I hug them and cry.
I am very sorry for your loss. You are strong - don't doubt that. Thank you for sharing your truth.
ReplyDeleteHi Brhea - Thank you so much for the sweet, kind words. I'm new to this blogging thing and it's been helpful to get my feelings out there. :) It's been equally as comforting to receive comments and support.
DeleteThanks again!