The Funeral

A funeral, a celebration, a home going?  I was sure as the day is long, this was going to be the most horrendous, traumatic event.  But you know what?!  It wasn't....

The day was filled with love, friends, family and nonstop memories of my Dad.  I shed tears, I smiled and above all I realized that everyone saw my Dad exactly as I did and loved him so much.  He was so loved and appreciated by so many people.  Over and over I heard how he had helped people, laughed with people and cared about people.  In addition,  I can't begin to count how many times I heard people say to me, "Oh, he loved and adored you so much, he talked about you all the time, he was so proud of you!"  It warmed my heart. 

Something very near and dear to me was being able to get up and honor my Dad by speaking at his funeral.  I wasn't sure I could do it but the most amazing thing happened that day...I felt my Dad all around me.  He wrapped his arms around me, held me up and made me strong. 

I did this for him and I'm sharing it with you. 

A Daughter Needs a Dad……

A daughter needs a dad who will always have time to give her hugs and kisses, who doesn’t mind when she steps on his shoes while dancing and who will always make sure she has a place to come home to and who will never think she is too old to need him.   

**for instance, even now at the age of 35, dad would take the time to go out and patrol the pool and deck area for any spiders before I would arrive and have a panic attack**

A daughter needs a dad so she will know what it is like to be somebody’s favorite.

**There is nothing in the world like being a daddy’s girl and it is a title I hold with honor**

A daughter needs a dad to be the safe spot she can always turn to, to show her how it feels to be loved unselfishly, to be the standard against which she will judge all men and who will influence her life even when he isn’t with her.

A daughter needs a dad so that she will have at least one hero who will not let her down, to persevere through hardship and who will let her know that while she may not be the center of someone else’s world, she is the center of his. 

A daughter needs a dad to teach her what it means to always be there and teach her how things work, to show her how to fix her favorite things….or just pick up the phone and call Brian, who will make it all better b/c of the extensive HOW TO FIX EVERYTHING knowledge dad has transferred to him.    

A daughter needs a dad to show her that true love is unconditional and to help her find her way in life. 

A daughter needs a dad to learn that when he says it will be okay soon, it will.

A daughter needs a dad so that when no one else is there for her, she can close her eyes and see him. 

And Finally, a daughter needs a dad to make the complex simple and the painful bearable, to tell her that all is not hopeless, even when she feels it is and to join her journey when she is too afraid to walk alone. 

**I don’t yet know how to live or exist in a world without him, but I have to believe that he is surrounding me, will pick me up when I fall, drop little hints to guide me, and hopefully, remind me every day of how much I was loved.

 
I love you so much dad and I am so proud to be your daughter.  xoxo, Sam   

Nothing Left Unspoken

Have you ever held back anything and regretted it later?  What's the saying - woulda, coulda, shoulda?  One thing I know to be true in this wild, wacky world is there were absolutely no words left unspoken between my dad and me.  Dad knew exactly how much I loved and respected him as well as how grateful I was to be his daughter.  I don't believe there was ever a time I didn't say "I love you" before saying goodbye or giving him a hug before leaving the house. 

The last words we both said to each other were..."I love you!" 

Please don't let there be any woulda, coulda, shouldas in your life.  Happy Valentine's Day! <3


 

Dear Dad....today marks 5 months

Dear Dad,

Today marks 5 months since you were taken away from me.  I think about you every second of every single day.  I wish I could give you just one more hug and tell you I love you. 

It's a date on the calendar.  It's a day of the week.  It's the 13th, the anniversary of you passing away.  I now dread this date.  It's only a reminder of more time slipping away without you present in my life.

Where do I start?  I've got 5 months worth of stories, questions, laughter, tears and life to share with you.  So, here goes....

1.  I rocked Thanksgiving dinner..yet again!  Dinner was kick ass.  :)  We elected Brian to be the new turkey carver.  Of course, we brought up 2 years ago when you were carving the bird and cut right through the roaster pan allowing all the turkey juice to flow down the counter onto the floor (much the dog's delight).  I made a toast to you. 

2.  Zach, Taylor and I played scattergories after dinner.  We got a good giggle out of talking about playing with you a few years ago.  Remember as we went around the table saying our words aloud and we discovered you were coming up with words of an entirely different letter than what we were supposed to be using?!  And, Zach shouted out the word "jalapeno" for words begging with H? 

3.  Christmas sucked - plain and simple.  Wait - Zach, Taylor and Brian got me a GIANT, new, blue pooper scooper!!  You would've cracked up...I can hear your laugh. 

4.  Your grandpuppies are still crazy.  :)  Simon will be 14 years old this Saturday.  He's still got his spunky little personality, just a bit slower..I like to think of it as he takes his good ole time.  I've seen Max several times.  He lost weight!  No more people food, LOL.  He's doing really good Dad.  It's cute to see how he lounges in Brett's recliner with with his head resting on the arm just like he did with you. 

5.  My car isn't running right.  HELP?!

6.  I have to fight the urge to pick up the phone and call you everyday when I leave work. 

7.  Mom - enough said.  I'm so sorry for what you had to go through with her.  I'm sorry that I'm not able to hide my feelings anymore.  I feel a lot of anger towards her. 

8.  You'd be so proud of your grandkids!  Taylor's been accepted to Wittenberg and Bluffton.  Zach got his learners permit.  Michael got his license and Matthew got a 50% scholarship to McNicks!! 

9.  I'm sorry for thinking you didn't understand the uConnect phone system in the Jeep.  It is a pain in the ass!!  The dumb system never recognized who I was trying to call unless I resorted to speaking the number.  Thank you for dog-earing the page in the manual so I could figure out how to set it up. 

10.  Oh, I have been a nervous wreck about this burning smell in the house.  Per usual, I overreacted and immediately turned off the ceiling fans, unplugged my Sonicare toothbrush and all the wallflowers.  LOL, I finally think I figured out where the smell was coming from....it was the wreath with lights on it hanging on the front door!!  You know how hot my front door gets??  It's a million degrees when the sun is shining.  The smell happened on very sunny days and I happened to open the front door - the lights on the wreath were MELTING!!  The batteries that powered the lights were MELTING!!  You would've chuckled...I know you would've chuckled. 

11.  It's hard Dad.  It's really hard...life without you is hard. 

Love you - xoxo

It Takes a Village.....Ann

When Becky and I were pulling into the driveway of my parent's house the day after my Dad passed away, I made a phone call to my good friend, Ann.  As I was telling her what had happened, Ann immediately asked what she could do for me, did I want her to come down to stay with to her and I remembered what Becky told me - it's okay to lean on your friends...it's okay to say you need them.  I coyly glanced over at Becky and told Ann that I would really like it if she could come and stay with me. Ann was already juggling around her work schedule and commitments so she could be down with me the next day.   Hmm, Becky was right...it's okay to lean on your friends. 

You know the friends that have been in your life for years?  They are the ones that know everything about you and still like you regardless.  You can go a few months without talking but as soon as you do it's like no time has passed.  Ann, aka "Mickey", is that friend for me.  We were college roommates and partners in crime.  She's been there for me through the years even when I didn't know I needed her and this time was no different.  Ann stayed with me for 3 days after my Dad passed away.  She was by my side when my brothers and I met with the pastor to talk about Dad, helped me figure out what I would wear to the funeral and encouraged me while I wrote out what I wanted to say at the service. 

One of the best things about Ann is her ability to make me laugh.  And, I don't mean giggle or chuckle, I mean full on laugh so hard your belly hurts, eyes tear and your vision goes blurry because you can't catch your breath.  At a time when I needed to laugh just so I could stop crying, Ann gave me a dose of exactly what I needed!  The night she arrived, we had run out to get some dinner and had just gotten back to my house and I decided to put my "yard waste" bags out on the curb for pickup.  Ann ventured into my dark backyard to help.   As I was bending down to pick up a bag, she walked behind me and fell in a muddy hole that my dog had dug.  Did I mention she had flip flops on?  Oh she did!  Without even thinking, I said oh, Simon dug a hole, be careful and then I began laughing and literally couldn't stop for minutes!  By this time, we were both laughing so hard, I can't believe we didn't pass out.  Ann told me, "You need to put up orange cones or something around that pit!"  Now, I'm sure Ann didn't trip on purpose, but yet again, a friend provided me with exactly what I needed.  I needed...a laugh...a brief escape from the pain....a hilarious temporary distraction. 

Thanks Mickey - I love ya and there just aren't enough words to express how thankful I am for a friend like you!!

It Takes a Village.....Becky

From the moment my phone rang that awful day, my friends have formed a tight, protective circle around me.  They've comforted, rescued, protected and loved me.  They've even spoken for me when I wasn't able to do it for myself.  I'm a stubborn, independent person who isn't the most comfortable asking for help, however, at that moment I didn't know what I needed but they did and the wheels had been set into motion with everyone springing into action almost immediately of hearing about Dad.  I am in awe and forever grateful. 

Upon arriving home that evening of 9/13, I found myself sitting in the corner of the family room in the dark taking in the silence.  My eyes were swollen and red.  My head was pounding.  My mind was racing.  My heart was broken.  I made a phone call to my friend, Becky.  It would be the beginning of letting people in to take care of me.  Becky knew first hand how I was feeling because she too had lost her dad.  I clung to her words, which were validation of my feelings and a road map of what to expect.  She insisted on driving me to Springfield the next day.  I kept saying no, no, it's too much, you have a brand new baby, I can't let you do it.  She wouldn't take no for an answer and said whether I liked it or not she was doing it.  She knew what I didn't....I needed her, it was okay to accept the help and it was okay to let my friend in to take care of me when I couldn't do it for myself.

The next morning, Becky arrived bright and early armed with a care package and hugs.  We made our way over to Springfield to meet with my brothers and mom at the funeral home.  It was a long couple of hours spent making decisions, writing Dad's obituary and finalizing arrangements.  The entire time we were doing this, Becky sat patiently waiting for us to finish.  Once done, we all decided to get lunch before heading to the cemetery, where we spent another couple of hours making more decisions.  The entire day was so exhausting.  I can't express how thankful I was for Becky being there with me.  She held me up and helped me function through an awful day of making choices I don't wish on anyone. 

While at the funeral home, the director asked if anyone in the family wanted to speak at the funeral.  Mom, Brett and Brian immediately said no, but I contemplated for a minute and decided I would very much to like to get up and speak.  I asked Brian if he would stand next to me for support but he didn't think he could do it.  Without hesitation, my niece, Taylor, said she'd do it.  She'd stand next to me and if I was unable to get through she'd finish for me.  My Dad would've been so proud of us. 

On the way to lunch, I eagerly told Becky about wanting to speak at Dad's funeral.  I told her how important it was to me and I was going to do everything in my power to get through it to honor him.  She thought it was a good idea and told me of speaking at her Dad's funeral.  She shared with me what she read for her Dad.  It was beautiful.  It was encouraging and empowering to see if Becky could do it, I too could find the strength and grace to do it for my Dad.  Becky told me about a book she used for inspiration while putting her speech together.  It was called - Why a Daughter Needs a Dad.   I walked out the next day to find a copy of the book she had left for me in the mailbox!  I too used it as the basis of my speech. 

Every day since 9/14, Becky has been a constant source of support to me.  More times than I can count, I've walked into her office, shut the door and sobbed.  She often validates what I'm feeling because she too has felt the exact same things.  We share not only the love and memories of our Dads but also the sadness of a world without them.  Becky understands the reasons behind my bad days, shares in my good days and cries with me when tears are all I have left. 

After a particularly few bad days that included a lot of remorse and WHY didn't I do this or WHY didn't I do that....Becky gave me a little, laminated, business card sized note with the following saying...

WHY?
That's what we ask.
The truth is,
we may never
be able to know
for sure why.
But we do know
that there is no single
"should have done"
or "did" or "didn't do"
that would have
changed that why.
All that LOVE could do
was done.

B - there are no words! 

In the days following my Dad's death leading up to the funeral, I walked around in a complete haze and to some extent I'm still in that haze.  The only difference between then and now is that I'm better at putting on a good act.  It's exhausting!  The bags under my eyes have bags. 

Everything going on around me seems so insignificant.  I'm trying to care but nothing compares to this whole in my heart and void in my life.  I find myself looking at people while they talk, hearing words come out of their mouths but not listening at all.  The journey through grief is so hard.  The ups, down, twists and turns, I can barely keep up.  Dad is on my mind 24/7.  The volume of those thoughts fluctuates from minute to minute.  Sometimes, I wish I could mute the volume for just a few minutes.  It's all consuming and overwhelming. 

I am not the same "Sam" as I was before 9/13.  How could I be?  Everything I knew and trusted no longer exists.  I have a new reality and part of that involves not wanting to confront the loss of my Dad head-on.  I've learned that as the shock begins to fade my mind and body begin scrambling to try and reclaim some control but it is often short lived.  As soon as I let the gravity of the situation set in, the instant replays of what happened replay over and over in my head.  It's only a reminder of the obvious - life as I once knew it has changed and scattered pieces have replaced what used to be a solid foundation. 

Losing Dad has made me feel like my world stopped and recently the hardest thing is watching the rest of the world continue moving on day to day without me.  I don't know how to reconnect.

Thanks for checking on me, Dad!

Dad - how did you know that I needed to hear you today? 

My car is in the shop and I'm driving Dad's Jeep (which is now Brian's car).  I decided to fiddle around with the phone "thingy" and connect my own cell phone to it.  All the while, I was thinking about how Dad was so enamoured with this feature.  He used to make each of us sit and listen as he attempted to demonstrate it, however, he'd tell it to call one of us but the system wouldn't recognize his command.  We'd giggle and he'd get so frustrated.    Dad loved technology but technology did NOT love Dad. 

I finally got my phone paired up with the system and decided to give it a whirl.  I said, "call Nicole!"  The system voice said, "Calling Larry Sinclair," my Dad's best friend.  I freaked out and starting yelling no, no, stop when all of a sudden I hear Dad's voice come through loud and clear over the system saying, "Call Samantha!"  It was the sweetest thing I've ever heard!! 

If it takes me sitting in the car sweet talking that damn lady in the system, I will figure out how to hear Dad again so I can record it and keep it for a rainy day. 

Thanks Dad - I love you too!  xoxo