Upon arriving home that evening of 9/13, I found myself sitting in the corner of the family room in the dark taking in the silence. My eyes were swollen and red. My head was pounding. My mind was racing. My heart was broken. I made a phone call to my friend, Becky. It would be the beginning of letting people in to take care of me. Becky knew first hand how I was feeling because she too had lost her dad. I clung to her words, which were validation of my feelings and a road map of what to expect. She insisted on driving me to Springfield the next day. I kept saying no, no, it's too much, you have a brand new baby, I can't let you do it. She wouldn't take no for an answer and said whether I liked it or not she was doing it. She knew what I didn't....I needed her, it was okay to accept the help and it was okay to let my friend in to take care of me when I couldn't do it for myself.
The next morning, Becky arrived bright and early armed with a care package and hugs. We made our way over to Springfield to meet with my brothers and mom at the funeral home. It was a long couple of hours spent making decisions, writing Dad's obituary and finalizing arrangements. The entire time we were doing this, Becky sat patiently waiting for us to finish. Once done, we all decided to get lunch before heading to the cemetery, where we spent another couple of hours making more decisions. The entire day was so exhausting. I can't express how thankful I was for Becky being there with me. She held me up and helped me function through an awful day of making choices I don't wish on anyone.
While at the funeral home, the director asked if anyone in the family wanted to speak at the funeral. Mom, Brett and Brian immediately said no, but I contemplated for a minute and decided I would very much to like to get up and speak. I asked Brian if he would stand next to me for support but he didn't think he could do it. Without hesitation, my niece, Taylor, said she'd do it. She'd stand next to me and if I was unable to get through she'd finish for me. My Dad would've been so proud of us.
On the way to lunch, I eagerly told Becky about wanting to speak at Dad's funeral. I told her how important it was to me and I was going to do everything in my power to get through it to honor him. She thought it was a good idea and told me of speaking at her Dad's funeral. She shared with me what she read for her Dad. It was beautiful. It was encouraging and empowering to see if Becky could do it, I too could find the strength and grace to do it for my Dad. Becky told me about a book she used for inspiration while putting her speech together. It was called - Why a Daughter Needs a Dad. I walked out the next day to find a copy of the book she had left for me in the mailbox! I too used it as the basis of my speech.
Every day since 9/14, Becky has been a constant source of support to me. More times than I can count, I've walked into her office, shut the door and sobbed. She often validates what I'm feeling because she too has felt the exact same things. We share not only the love and memories of our Dads but also the sadness of a world without them. Becky understands the reasons behind my bad days, shares in my good days and cries with me when tears are all I have left.
After a particularly few bad days that included a lot of remorse and WHY didn't I do this or WHY didn't I do that....Becky gave me a little, laminated, business card sized note with the following saying...
WHY?
That's what we ask.
The truth is,
we may never
be able to know
for sure why.
But we do know
that there is no single
"should have done"
or "did" or "didn't do"
that would have
changed that why.
All that LOVE could do
was done.
B - there are no words!
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