In the days following my Dad's death leading up to the funeral, I walked around in a complete haze and to some extent I'm still in that haze.  The only difference between then and now is that I'm better at putting on a good act.  It's exhausting!  The bags under my eyes have bags. 

Everything going on around me seems so insignificant.  I'm trying to care but nothing compares to this whole in my heart and void in my life.  I find myself looking at people while they talk, hearing words come out of their mouths but not listening at all.  The journey through grief is so hard.  The ups, down, twists and turns, I can barely keep up.  Dad is on my mind 24/7.  The volume of those thoughts fluctuates from minute to minute.  Sometimes, I wish I could mute the volume for just a few minutes.  It's all consuming and overwhelming. 

I am not the same "Sam" as I was before 9/13.  How could I be?  Everything I knew and trusted no longer exists.  I have a new reality and part of that involves not wanting to confront the loss of my Dad head-on.  I've learned that as the shock begins to fade my mind and body begin scrambling to try and reclaim some control but it is often short lived.  As soon as I let the gravity of the situation set in, the instant replays of what happened replay over and over in my head.  It's only a reminder of the obvious - life as I once knew it has changed and scattered pieces have replaced what used to be a solid foundation. 

Losing Dad has made me feel like my world stopped and recently the hardest thing is watching the rest of the world continue moving on day to day without me.  I don't know how to reconnect.