The 12th "13th" - a year without Dad

On the eve of the year anniversary, I am here sitting outside on the patio.  It's a beautiful night much like that same one a year ago.  I remember everything like the back of my hand.  I was busy outside cleaning my car in preparation for an upcoming road trip to Connecticut when I heard my phone ringing.  I chose to ignore it because I had a to do list and I was sticking to it.  It wasn't until 45 minutes later that I would hear the message that started it all, "Sam, we're taking your Dad to the hospital.  I need you to come over!"

Never in my worst nightmare would it ever occur to me that in less than 24hrs from the time of that message, my dad would be gone forever. 



A "wise" person told me, "Take it ONE day at a time!"

On 9/13/11 at 11am, I walked into the hospital room to say goodbye to my Dad. 

Life since then has been a blur.  365 days of learning how to be, to exist and breath in a new reality....a reality without my Dad.  It's a delicate dance that is still a challenge for me today.  My heart is still broken, the smell of his cologne still brings tears to my eyes, the sound of his voice in a saved message can stop me in my tracks and still take my breath away.  I'm not to "happy" yet....

So it goes..."the first year is the hardest."  I've marked a year's worth of milestones along side my family without my Dad.  It's been a year of great things that he would've loved...oh, how he would've loved them.  His first grandchild's high school graduation, his 70th birthday, said grandchild's moving in day at college, his carving of the turkey at Thanksgiving. 

Life goes on day by day.  It's different now.  I know I will eventually learn to be genuinely happy again and thinking of Dad will evoke a smile rather than a tear.  I'm not there yet but I'll get there. 

What do I miss the most? I miss his voice, his laugh, his hugs...plain and simple - I miss him.

I love you Dad!  I'm so glad I got to be your daughter because now I know what it means to be truly loved....