The Day My World Stopped...9/13/11, part II

It was 11am on 9/13/11 - the day my world stopped.  I was 15-20 minutes away from the hospital when I learned Dad was gone.  I don't remember much of what happened from that point until Jen and I reached the hospital.   How do you comprehend or process hearing that your Dad, your hero, your protector was taken from you?  Everything around me was a haze.  I was just with Dad 9hrs ago...I just told him I loved him and would see him in a few hours....and now he's gone?  I needed to see my brother, Brian.  I couldn't let myself believe it until I saw Brian.  He told Jen he would wait on us to get to there before leaving to go pick up my mom to bring her into the hospital, however, shortly before arriving, he called back to say the doctor had called and given the news to my mom over the phone, so he had to leave to get to her.  I wouldn't be seeing Brian's face first, I would be facing this on my own. 
Before I knew it, Jen and I were parked and walking through the parking lot in silence towards the entrance door.  Remember when I mentioned my "wise" friends, well, what Jen did for me that day is above and beyond anything I can even put into words.  I will later learn that throughout that day, a network of friends were working behind the scenes to take care of me, protect me and love me when i was unable to do it for myself.
Jen and I stepped out of the elevator onto the ICU floor.  I could either go left towards Dad or right towards the waiting room.  I wasn't ready to face the truth yet and Jen took me to the waiting room.  We were only there for a few minutes, when I decided I wanted to be with Dad.  I couldn't stop thinking of him being in that room by himself.  It was something I couldn't get past in my mind.  With Jen by my side, I began the walk down the corridor to Dad's room sobbing and hyperventilating.  We arrived outside of the room and had to wait because a nurse was in tending to Dad.  I remember all the nurses staring at me with such sad faces.  I was thinking please don't do that, please don't look at me with that look because I'm that person who just lost her father.  I didn't want to be that person, I wanted to be the person who was just coming into visit her loved one not the one who was saying her final goodbye.   
The nurse opened the curtain and gestured I could now come into the room.  I slowly walked in and couldn't stop the sobbing that followed.  The nurse explained that they had worked to resuscitate Dad for an hour but were unable to restart his heart.  A pastor walked into the room to comfort me.  She was so tall she blocked Jen from my view as she approached me.  I panicked, literally panicked!  I started saying Jen's name over and over.  She was the one constant that had been by my side from the beginning and now I couldn't see her.  Suddenly, Jen popped out from behind the pastor and I locked in on her eyes and my breathing slowly calmed.  I don't know what it was but if I focused on staring into Jen's eyes, I was able to slow my breathing down and focus.  Today it seems creepy, but on that day, 9/13, it saved me.  Jen helped me sit down in a chair next to Dad.  The pastor had the nerve to say at least your Dad isn't in pain anymore.  I whipped my head around like the exorcist and said, "I don't care, I'm selfish - I want him here with me!"  I asked if she wouldn't mind leaving so I could be alone with Dad.  I sat there for a little over an hour, holding his hand, sobbing and telling him I loved him.  Jen stayed and sat in a chair in the corner behind me.  I just stared at Dad pleading in my mind for him to wake up and open his eyes.