The Day My World Stopped...9/13/11, part III

As Jen led me to the waiting room, she noticed my oldest brother, Brett, had arrived and was walking towards Dad's room.  After spending some time with Dad, Brett joined us in the waiting room as we waited for Brian and mom to arrive at the hospital.  After a few minutes, Brian finally called and asked us to meet him at the entrance with a wheelchair for mom.  I dreaded this moment....I would be seeing Brian and mom, which would make it all too real.  It would be true, Dad would really be gone. 

It's funny because I remember sitting on a bench with Jen outside the hospital and it was a beautiful day.  A warm breeze was blowing on my face, people were talking, cars were going by and my Dad had died.  I wanted to crawl up in a ball and die myself because the thought of facing another second with a broken heart was really too much to comprehend.  At that moment, Brian pulled up to the curb and my niece and nephew stepped out of the car.  We all three locked eyes, started crying and held each other in a tri-hug for what seemed like forever.  I then saw Brian.  We hugged each other quickly and then got mom out of the car.  Now the time had arrived...together as a family, we had to say goodbye. 

We gathered around my Dad for what seemed like forever.  We cried, prayed, laughed and hugged each other.  It was really all too much for me.  I was in shock as my entire world had been knocked out from under me and I felt like I was in free fall.  I started getting hot, nauseous and light headed.  I had to get out of that room.  I wanted to run but my body wouldn't move.  The room started spinning, I started sweating and forced myself to walk out into the hallway.  I tried to get to the waiting room but I didn't make it.  I made it as far as the bathroom where I violently began to throw up.  It makes sense...I was shutting down and running away from a reality that I didn't yet know how to deal with or accept. 

Several hours later, we all left the hospital and returned to my parent's house.  My head was pounding, my eyes were swollen, burning and all I wanted to do was close my eyes to escape this day and the thought of every day thereafter.  We discussed the plans for going to the funeral home the next day and the clothes we wanted Dad to wear.  Again, it was all too much, I just wanted out...I needed out.  As I was gathering up my things, I noticed Dad's shirt hanging on the chair.  He always wore thick button down shirts with flannel lining as a jacket.  We called them his "shirt coats."  I picked it up and took it with me.  It smells like him and it felt like I was wrapped up in his hug.  Truth be told, I went to bed that night with the shirt next to me. 

Finally, Jen and I were on the road and on our way back home.  I think I passed out within the first 10 minutes and slept the majority of the way home.  Who knows if I snored, slept with my mouth gaping open or drooled?

After Jen dropped me off at my car, I realized it was the first time I'd be alone all day.  I'm not going to lie, I had a bit of anxiety as I started the car because it would be this moment when I would've called Dad to shoot the breeze about nothing and everything all at once.  Car rides suck for me.  I do A LOT of crying in the car!

9/13/11 finally ended.  I talked to a few close friends, cried more and sobbed until I fell asleep.  You foolishly think sleep will serve as a brief escape from your sadness, however, I'm here to tell you the shock and grief comes back like a tidal wave the second you open your eyes.  FYI - it IS possible to cry in your sleep.